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  • I love these! Thanks for sharing everyone!
    AmyLou

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    • Ole the navigator
      When Ole joined the Air Force they decided to make him a navigator. So after navigator schooling he was assigned to large cargo plane under a much older and experienced pilot. When they first climbed into the flight deck the captain took out his pistol and laid it on the instrument panel, he then asked Ole if he knew what it was for. Ole replied "no". The captain then said it was for navigators that get him lost. Ole took out his pistol and laid it on the navigators table. The captain said "what's that for". Ole replied " Well sir I'll know we're lost before you do".
      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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      • A simple question
        Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'

        Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

        Wife: 'Yes or no.'
        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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        • Smart Cop
          A police recruit was asked during his final exam,
          “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”


          He answered, “Call for backup.”
          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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          • Everyone knows Dave (long but good!)
            Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

            Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

            "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
            "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

            Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
            "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

            "Dale Earnhart Jr.," his boss quickly retorts.

            "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to North Caroline," and off they go.
            At Dale's garage, Dale spots Dave on the tour bus and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting with my crew chief, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

            Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the Dale's garage grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

            "Pope Francis," his boss replies.

            "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
            Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

            Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

            Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
            His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
            Last edited by pacnwstorage; 5th November 2018, 08:34 PM.
            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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            • The Painless Dentist
              When a new dentist set up in town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the "Painless" dentist.

              However, a local, little girl called Sally disputed his claim.

              "He’s a fake!" Sally told her friends. "He’s not painless at all. When he stuck his finger in my mouth, I bit him and he screamed like everyone else!"
              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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              • No Pope for Hans
                Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and as a young man aspired to become a priest. However, he was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943, resulting in the loss of his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a military chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

                After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. Later on, Father Grapje (now an Archbishop) was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a massive cave-in trapping scores of miners deep in the earth. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer comfort and last rites to those too severely injured to move.

                While underground another shaft collapsed and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. Some time after being rescued, he developed a severe (but rare) condition known as purpura. This condition is the result of extensive underground time and exposure to the high silver content in the mine's air. It is characterized by purplish skin blotches and is found in many life-long silver miners.

                For his heroism and selfless service to others, the church elevated him to Cardinal. With the passing of the current Pope he joined the other Cardinals in Rome for the funeral and the conclave to select a new Pope from their ranks. Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor and holy man ... church leaders agree he will never ascend to the Papacy.

                After all, no one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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                • That's Life
                  The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating.

                  While the human female prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
                  "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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                  • A woman and her husband were attending her 20-year high school reunion.
                    As the evening wore down and it got later, the couple found themselves sitting at a table by themselves.
                    The wife looked around, saw a male classmate sitting at a table two tables behind them...he appeared somewhat disheveled and slightly intoxicated.
                    The wife turned to her husband and said, quietly,
                    "I think that's my ex-boyfriend, whom I broke up with right after graduation.
                    He was quite the athlete and had several scholarship offers to play sports in college.
                    I heard he started hitting the bottle soon after we broke up and never did anything with his life?
                    It's just so sad!"
                    The husband leaned around his wife and took a (somewhat) long look at the other guy.
                    He then looked back at his wife and replied, "Who knew someone could celebrate for that long?"
                    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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                    • A young guy from Michigan moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
                      The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Michigan."
                      Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
                      His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
                      The kid says "One"
                      The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
                      The kid says, "$121,237.65"
                      The boss says "what?!?! What the heck did you sell?"
                      The kid replies; "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
                      The boss exclaims, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?!?!?"
                      The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, you better get outa the house this weekend, you should go fishing."
                      "I don't understand your specific kind of crazy but I do admire your total commitment to it!"

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                      • The Spanish Mongrel
                        Don Benito, the Spanish pirate, had acquired a mongrel that had been taught to bark once for "Si" and twice for "No."

                        Benito was captured by the British and the dog became the property of the conquering Captain, who taught it the same trick in English.

                        The dog thus became the world's first "Sea" and "Aye" dog.
                        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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                        • Captured by Cannibals
                          Two guys in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

                          A few minutes later, one of the guys started to laugh uncontrollably. The other guy can’t believe it!

                          He said, “What’s wrong with you? We’re being boiled alive! They’re gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?”

                          The other guy said, “I just peed in the soup!”
                          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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                          • Old man to young man It used to stand up and watch me brush my teeth. Now it lays down and watches me tie my shoes. You figure out what he is talking about.
                            Dave (Woodee) Scott

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                            • I know exactly what he is talking about. His loyal man's best friend dog. I bet you thought I was going someplace else, right!
                              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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                              • English Humor: Did I Read That Right?
                                Did I read that sign right?
                                "TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"

                                In a Laundromat:
                                AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

                                In a London department store:
                                BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

                                In an office:
                                WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

                                In an office:
                                AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

                                Outside a secondhand shop:
                                WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

                                Notice in health food shop window:
                                CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

                                Spotted in a safari park:
                                ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

                                Seen during a conference:
                                FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

                                Notice in a farmer's field:
                                THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

                                Message on a leaflet:
                                IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

                                On a repair shop door:
                                WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

                                And finally, from newspapers:

                                "Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter"
                                This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day.

                                "Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says"
                                Really? Ya think?

                                "Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
                                Now that's taking things a bit far!

                                "Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"
                                What a guy!

                                "Miners Refuse to Work after Death"
                                No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so's!

                                "Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"
                                See if that works any better than a fair trial!

                                "War Dims Hope for Peace"
                                I can see where it might have that effect!

                                "If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile"
                                Ya think?!

                                "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
                                Who would have thought!

                                "Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"
                                They may be on to something!

                                "Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
                                You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

                                "Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge"
                                He probably IS the battery charge!

                                "New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"
                                Weren't they fat enough?!

                                "Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"
                                That's what he gets for eating those beans!

                                "Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"
                                Do they taste like chicken?

                                "Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"
                                Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

                                "Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors"
                                Boy, are they tall!

                                And the winner is ...
                                "Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
                                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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