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  • Dad, Call the Bank
    My son called me at work to say I was to phone John at my bank.

    The operator asked me what John’s last name was and I explained that he hadn’t left his surname.

    When she asked for his department, I said I didn’t know.

    “There are 500 employees in this building, sir,” she advised me rather curtly.

    After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name.

    “Rebecca,” she said.

    “And your last name?” I asked.

    “Sorry,” she replied, “we don’t give out last names.”
    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

    Comment


    • Double Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreo's. Regular Oreo's should be called diet Oreo's.
      "I don't understand your specific kind of crazy but I do admire your total commitment to it!"

      Comment


      • A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
        The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
        "I don't understand your specific kind of crazy but I do admire your total commitment to it!"

        Comment


        • Why is it after I push ONE for English I still can't understand the person on the other end?

          OMG!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!!!

          Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so I am going to concentrate on getting taller.

          Ice cream is clearly God's way of saying he likes a little bit chubby...

          I may not be Wonder Woman, but I can do things that make you wonder.

          Never ask Google for medical advice...I have gone from mild headache to clinically dead in 3 clicks...

          Some days I just wish I had the wisdom of a ninety year old, the body of a twenty year old and the energy of a 3 year old!

          I have finally reached the wonder years. I wonder where my car is parked? Wonder where I left my phone? Wonder where my sunglasses are? Wonder what day it is?

          Most kids today have cell phones...when I was their age, I used to spread glue on my hands, wait for it to dry and peel it off
          "I don't understand your specific kind of crazy but I do admire your total commitment to it!"

          Comment


          • Whoops
            Whoops...

            The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

            She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

            You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

            "Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."

            Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

            "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

            All the men sighed with unified relief.

            The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

            A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.

            "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

            Comment


            • Isn't anything made in America?
              Yesterday my wife was opening a box from Amazon ….. a new portable TV, Christmas present for one of our grandkids. So my wife says "Where in the hell is Antenna?" I said "Huh? I never heard of a place called Antenna." My wife responded …. "it says right here on the box, "BUILT IN ANTENNA". That's when I got smacked for laughing at her.
              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

              Comment


              • Where's Gary?
                Three friends had a buddy named Joe and he was an eternal optimist.

                At every bad situation he would always say: ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

                So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

                Joe asked: ''Where's Gary?''

                And one of his friends said: ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

                Joe says: ''Well it could have been worse.''

                Both his friends said: ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

                Joe says: ''If it had happened two days ago, I would be dead now!"
                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                Comment


                • Genie Joke
                  There was a lonely man walking along a beach.

                  He comes across a bottle with a cork in it.

                  The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork.

                  A loud roar follows and a genie appears.

                  The genie says to the man, “I’m a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes.”

                  The man says “That’s okay, two is enough. First, I would like one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.”

                  Poof ... The genie hands the man a paper and says, “Here’s the number to your account.”

                  Next the man says, “Second, I would like to be irresistible to women.”

                  Poof ... The genie turned him into a box of chocolates.
                  "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                  Comment


                  • The Head-on
                    A police officer was investigating an accident on a narrow, two-lane road in which the drivers had virtually hit head-on.

                    One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”

                    After gathering as much information as possible, the officer angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?”

                    In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been happy as all get-out to give her half of the road ... if she had just let me know which half she wanted!”
                    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                    Comment


                    • Pa! You need to fix the outhouse
                      Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
                      Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
                      Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
                      So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
                      "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
                      Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
                      "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
                      So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
                      Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
                      Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
                      "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
                      To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
                      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                      Comment


                      • He Loved Hearing His Own Voice
                        Ronald was sitting at the breakfast table one Sunday morning reading the USA Today entertainment section.

                        He had just read an article about a beautiful movie star who had announced that she was going to marry a football player, who was famous not only for his aggression on and off the field, but also for his lack of IQ and common sense. In fact, he was a couple of stones shy of "a bag of rocks."

                        Like many men, Ronald loved hearing his own voice and liked to report aloud stories he read from the paper.

                        So he turned to his wife Patricia and said, "I’ll never understand why the biggest, obnoxious contemptibles get the most attractive wives."

                        Patricia replied, "Why thank you, darling!"
                        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                        Comment


                        • "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                          Comment







                          • That should cover the holidays.
                            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                            Comment


                            • "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                              Comment


                              • Elevator Going Down
                                Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone.

                                She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator."

                                Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her."
                                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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