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Joking Around

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  • "My wife won't like it"
    While riding my BMW K 1600, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

    Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"

    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse, exposing her cleavage. "I'm alright, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

    She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

    "That's very nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

    "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of tequilas and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better be going now."

    "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

    "I imagine she is still in the ditch with my BMW."
    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

    Comment


    • My Neighbor's Cat
      This morning, I saw my neighbor talking to her cat.

      It was obvious that she thought her cat understood her.

      I came back inside my house and told my dog what I saw.

      We laughed a lot!
      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

      Comment


      • In Other News ...
        Corey Booker received his DNA results and he's also 1/1024th Spartacus.
        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

        Comment


        • Jeopardy: International Capitals
          A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.

          She proudly said, “Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!”

          Her friend said, “Okay then, what’s the capital of France?”

          The blonde replied, “Oh, that’s so easy! F.”
          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

          Comment


          • Speed Trap Catch
            A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a cluster of cars all traveling at the same speed.

            However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

            The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair ... there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did 'I' get the ticket?”

            “Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

            “Ummm, yeah …” the startled man replied.

            The officer grinned and added, “Ever catch 'ALL' the fish?”
            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

            Comment


            • My Annual Physical
              Here I am, 72 years of age and my health insurance company said I had to have an annual physical. So I called the medical clinic, made my appointment and finally went in for my physical. After filling out the bazillion answer, questionnaire, my physician's assistant came in and took my "vitals." After which, my doctor came in and asked me a question that was not in the questionnaire.

              She said, "Mister Monte, are you involved in any dangerous activities?"

              I honestly answered, "Well, sometimes I disagree with my wife."

              And that my friends was the end of my annual physical.
              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

              Comment


              • Golfing with the wife
                The man and woman hit the green at the first hole on the course. She had a pressing question for him as he was trying to line up his putt. "Honey, if I die, are you going to re-marry?"
                Not wanting to disrupt the golf game, he said "I don't want to talk about this now".

                Finally, by the 18th hole, she had asked him several more times "if I die, will you re-marry?"

                "Well, I suppose so."

                She inquisitively asks "will the two of you drive around in our cars?"

                "Yeah, we probably will."

                Then she asks "Are you going to keep all of our furniture and continue to use it?"

                "That'll probably happen."

                She says "what about our house? Will you keep living in our house?"

                "I wouldn't see any reason to move."

                "So, she will sleep with you in our bed?"

                "I guess I gotta say, yes, if she lives there she would do that."

                Then she looks back at the golf course and down and her clubs "you won't let her use my golf clubs, will you?"

                And to that, he said...

                "No, she's left-handed."
                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                Comment


                • Why Yes I Am
                  A young man moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new neighbors.

                  He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.

                  She said, “I can’t believe how much you look like Luke Bryan, the country music star.”

                  He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”

                  He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing ... that he looked like Luke Bryan.

                  At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her.

                  He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air and screamed, “Luke Bryan!”

                  The man stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”
                  "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                  Comment


                  • Well, she's there
                    The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

                    The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there"
                    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by pacnwstorage View Post
                      Well, she's there
                      The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

                      The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there"
                      lol, right?
                      I want buns of steel.
                      I also want buns of cinnamon.

                      Newcastle, WA

                      Comment


                      • Noisy English Students
                        Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land."

                        After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

                        "Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall and won't stop and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."

                        "But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbors?"

                        "Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
                        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                        Comment


                        • Business is Good
                          A man walks past a panhandler on the corner of the street where he works.

                          The panhandler holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand.

                          One day the man walks past the panhandler again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands.

                          He asks, “Why are you holding out both of your hands?”

                          The panhandler replied, “You see sir, business is going so well, I decided to open another branch.”
                          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                          Comment


                          • I am sure to catch hell for this, but here goes................

                            Important Notice
                            Last month, salads killed more people than AR-15s

                            I am waiting for the signs to come out.....Greens Free Zone
                            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                            Comment


                            • Close shaves back in the Days of the Old West
                              An old cowboy became frustrated every time he shaved with a straight razor due to all the wrinkles in his weather-beaten face so he decided to go to the nearest town's only barbershop and hopefully get a nice clean shave.

                              As he sat down in the barber chair he told the barber about his trouble in getting a good close shave due to his heavily, deeply wrinkled face.

                              The barber told him not to worry, that he had a proven solution for the situation. He then reached up in a cabinet and pulled out a smooth wooden ball about an inch and a half in diameter and told the cowhand to put it in his mouth and move it around with his tongue to smooth out his cheeks while being shaved.

                              The cowboy did as told and the barber proceeded to go to work shaving the old fellow. When the job was done, low and behold, the result was as promised, a nice and smooth clean shave. The old cowboy was so pleased he thanked the barber profusely but said that during the shave he had one question on his mind, "What would happen if I swallowed the ball?"

                              The barber assured him, "Nothing to worry about, most folks return it in a couple of days."
                              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                              Comment


                              • God: I'll Sue!
                                An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

                                St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer ... you’re in the wrong place.”

                                So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

                                Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements.

                                After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

                                One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

                                Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

                                God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake ... he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

                                Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff and I’m keeping him.”

                                God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue!”

                                Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
                                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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