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Joking Around

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  • Most of us over 65 were HOME SCHOOLED ... in many ways
    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

    3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

    4. My father taught me LOGIC.
    "Because I said so, that's why.”

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
    "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.”

    7. My father taught me IRONY.
    "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.”

    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
    "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!”

    13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    "I brought you into this world and I can take you out."

    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
    "Stop acting like your father!”

    15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.”

    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    "Just wait until we get home.”

    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING/
    "You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!”

    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

    19. My mother taught me ESP.
    "Put your sweater on! Don't you think I know when you are cold?”

    20. My father taught me HUMOR.
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”

    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”

    22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    "You're just like your father.”

    23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were raised in a barn?”

    24. My mother taught me WISDOM
    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

    25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
    "One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!”
    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


    • Dinner Tab ...
      Three animals go to dinner, a doe, skunk and a duck. At the end of the dinner the check came ... well

      the doe didn't have a buck

      the skunk didn't have a scent

      SO ...

      they put it on the ducks bill ...
      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


      • Made in Japan
        There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

        During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

        After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

        And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

        The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was $300.

        The Japanese exclaimed, "Why so expensive!"

        There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


        • You guys ever hear the one about the blonde trying to put gas in her electric car?

          Must Watch Video


          • Let's try this link again

            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


            • Thanks Pac didn't realize the link didn't work


              • Wtf!


                • It happens. Bet she did not buy the car. Given to her. Never read the owner's manual. Not sure if reading is an option. Can't even close the trunk right. This video is priceless. Got to be from southern Ca.
                  "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                  • A Walk in the Country (oldie)
                    Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks.

                    The first blonde said, “Those must be rabbit tracks!”

                    The second blonde said, “No, stupid, anyone can tell those are deer tracks!”

                    The third blonde said, “No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!”

                    They where still arguing ten minutes later when the train hit them.
                    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                    • Everybody, Out of the Pool
                      A guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out.

                      When asked for the reason, the manager said, “Because you peed in the pool.”

                      “Well,” replied the swimmer, “lots of people do that.”

                      “True,” answered the manager, “but you did it from the diving board.”
                      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                      • So I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed "Anyone know CPR?"
                        I said "Heck, I know the entire alphabet."
                        Everyone laughed. Well, everyone except this one guy...


                        • Here in the land of the drug addled homeless and bastion of hippies:

                          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                          • Jury Duty
                            A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving.

                            He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.

                            On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

                            “Your Honor,” he said, ” I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty, guilty, guilty’ So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!”

                            With a tired annoyance the judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer.”
                            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                            • English Lesson
                              The Past, the Present and the Future walked into a Bar ... it was Tense!
                              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                              • We seriously need a laughing emoji here!


                                Latest Topics


                                • DairyGirl
                                  Reply to Thoughts on RV parking
                                  by DairyGirl
                                  I 'almost' said to him that as long as the vehicles are w/i the lines, there isn't anything for me to do. And, he did make that statement himself, although he was a little snarky about it....
                                  Today, 11:12 AM
                                • DairyGirl
                                  Reply to 3 Kittens Trapped in Unit
                                  by DairyGirl
                                  My lease states we can enter a unit for an emergency, and I would consider this an emergency because of the type of animal. How do I know the tenant didn't put them there?? I would call the tenant to get them to the property to open the unit. If they are/were unable to do that, I'd let them know I'd...
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                                • pacnwstorage
                                  Reply to Thoughts on RV parking
                                  by pacnwstorage
                                  There is no issue at all. Within the lines is GOOD, out of the lines is BAD. The RV owner needs to grow a pair and learn to drive his rig and quit whining or you will have to call him a WAAAAAAAMMMMMMMBULANCE!...
                                  Today, 11:03 AM