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Joking Around

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  • We need a laughing emoji and a groan emoji for the "are you kidding me" jokes!
    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


    • Lawyers Cannot and Do Not Lie
      A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

      When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

      He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie).

      So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

      He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

      He loved one of the homes and the price was right.

      The agent asked, "How many children do you have?”

      He answered, "Twelve."

      The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

      The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “They're in the cemetery with their mother."

      MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words ... and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers.
      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


      • I agree, we do need laughing & groan emoji!


        • Seasick
          Jim was a just out of Navy boot camp and was on his first ship.

          About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship.

          He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise.

          He saluted and said, “Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary.”

          The ensign returned his salute and replied, “Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don’t go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck; that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead; that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion; that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttlebutt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I will throw you out of that little, round window over there.”
          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


          • :d :d :d


            • If My Body Was a Car!
              If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull.

              But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

              My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

              My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

              But here's the worst of it. Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


              • Blonde and potatoes........
                A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."

                So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.

                The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!"

                The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!"

                So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets.

                So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."

                "It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop.

                The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."

                "It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop.

                The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"
                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                • A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Michael's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

                  The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

                  The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

                  The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

                  After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

                  The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

                  The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

                  The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything!"
                  Don't put off until tomorrow, what you can do today.


                  • 1st steps at an auction?
                    Pop-Lock and Drop it!

                    What song did Bill Withers write about being delinquent on payments for his storage unit?
                    Lien On Me

                    What storage amenity do customers complain about most?
                    Whine Storage
                    Don't put off until tomorrow, what you can do today.


                    • Good ones lady.
                      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                      • Silly Sister
                        A cop pulls over a car load of nuns.

                        Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway ... why are you going so slow?”

                        Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”

                        Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!”

                        Sister: “Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”

                        At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

                        Cop: “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.”

                        Sister: “Oh, we just got off of highway 119.”
                        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                        • Last night I dreamed of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

                          That explains the footprints I found in the litter box this morning.

                          __________________________________________________ _____________________________________

                          I got a really cute dog and decided to call him Threemiles.

                          It sounds great to say I walk Threemiles twice a day.

                          __________________________________________________ ___________________________________

                          Seen on a tombstone: “I told you I was sick!”

                          __________________________________________________ __________________________________

                          A woman woke up with a start one morning. Her husband asked what was the matter and she replied, “I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”

                          “You’ll know tonight,“ her husband said. That evening, he came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it-to find a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams”.

                          __________________________________________________ ___________________________________

                          Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick. How low can you go?

                          __________________________________________________ ______________________________________

                          That guy is so conceited that on his last birthday he congratulated his mother on Facebook.

                          __________________________________________________ ______________________________________

                          My boss told me, “Don’t dress for the job you have. Dress for the job you want. “When I showed up in Ghostbusters gear, he said I was fired.

                          __________________________________________________ __________________________________________

                          I’d rather spend 10 minutes rearranging the dishwasher to accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.

                          __________________________________________________ _______________________________________

                          That awkward moment when the entire math class is discussing whether the answer is 15 or 16, and your answer is -1,053.

                          __________________________________________________ _______________________________________

                          Your rich, deceased uncle would like you to know he found a way to take it with him.

                          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                          • College Graduates
                            A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

                            A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

                            A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much does it cost?"

                            A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
                            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                            • Groaners
                              Why was the blanket arrested?
                              Because it looked "quilty."

                              My friend David lost his ID.
                              Now we call him Dav.

                              Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
                              They each got six months!

                              Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
                              Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

                              How do you tickle an Octopus?
                              You give them ten-tickles!

                              Why did the coffee call the police? Because he was mugged.
                              I hope the stress doesn't get to him, that might be grounds for divorce.

                              Two peanuts were walking through Central Park
                              and one of them was a salted.

                              My first job was at an orange juice factory, but I got canned.
                              I couldn’t concentrate.

                              What do you call a bean that's not cool anymore?
                              A has bean.

                              I just spent $500 on a limousine only to discover the fee doesn't include a driver.
                              Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
                              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                              • A Pregnant Woman
                                A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.

                                A nurse asks her what's wrong and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

                                The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry … I don't understand."

                                The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

                                The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.

                                "Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
                                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


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