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Joking Around

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  • What will they say
    4 men are sitting around a campfire discussing life.

    1 asks a question of the other 3; "what do you want people to say at your funeral?"

    The second man says, "He was a great guy that you could always count on"

    The third man says "Boy was he old"

    The fourth says "Hey look, he's moving!"
    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


    • The officer said I was staggering.
      I said he was very handsome as well.
      We laughed and laughed.
      I need bail money.
      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


      • "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


        • "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


          • Sneaky Grandma
            A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Michael's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

            The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

            The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

            The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

            After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

            The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

            The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

            The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything!"
            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


            • "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


              • "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                • A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

                  On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

                  He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

                  She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

                  "No, I wouldn't," he said.

                  She said, "I sell tampons."

                  With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

                  She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

                  "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
                  "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                  • Why did the chicken cross the road?

                    To prove to the possum that it could be done
                    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                    • What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

                      Aye Matey
                      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                      • After 20 years as a gynecologist, the doctor decides to retire because he's bored wants to try something new.
                        He's always liked hot rods so he decides to go to school to become an auto mechanic.

                        When the time comes for his final exam, he completes the task and asks, "How did I do?"
                        The instructor says, "Fantastic, you scored 150%!
                        The retired doctor replies, "150%, how did I do that?"

                        The instructor tells him:
                        " I gave you 50% because you disassembled the engine perfectly"
                        "Then, I gave you 50% because you put it all back together exactly right, the engine ran, and you had no parts left over"
                        "And finally, I gave you an additional 50% because you did it all through the muffler!"
                        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                        • I'm allowed, I'm half Italian

                          Why Italians can't be Paramedics
                          Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
                          He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
                          Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He tells the operator, “I think Sal is dead! What should I do?
                          The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he’s dead." There is a silence.
                          And then a gun shot is heard. Vinny’s voice comes back on the line,
                          "Okay… Now what"?
                          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                          • When is a shape not a shape

                            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                            • What did one toilet say to the other toilet?

                              "Are you ok?"

                              "You look flushed!"
                              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


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