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Joking Around

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  • #16
    I tried to grab the fog.
    I mist.
    The future depends on what you do in the present.


    • #17
      A Blonde in a Bar
      Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm.

      He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

      The 10:00pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

      The blonde looked at Bob and said, Do you think he'll jump?

      Bob says, You know, I bet he'll jump.

      The blonde replied, Well, I bet he won't.

      Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, You're on!

      Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

      The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, Fair's fair. Here's your money.

      Bob replied, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6pm news and so I knew he would jump.

      The blonde replied, I saw it too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.

      Bob took the money.
      Last edited by pacnwstorage; 2nd October 2018, 11:29 AM.
      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


      • #18
        Sven and Ole Go Hunting
        Sven and Ole were out hunting and got so hopelessly lost.

        Sven said, "We shouldn't walk around because we tend to walk in circles. Stay in one place, shoot three times into the air and wait 15 minutes for someone to find us."

        They did this and noon came, so they shot into the air one more time and waited 15 more minutes. Still nobody came.

        After trying this a third time with no results, Ole said, "I hope somebody finds us pretty soon, I'm running out of arrows."
        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


        • #19
          Devil in Church
          One Sunday morning, the Devil himself stomped right down the center aisle of a small country church. The preacher, the choir, and all the members fled in fear except for one elderly gentleman sitting down front.
          The Devil stood in front of him and asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
          "Nope," the old man said.
          "Why not?" the Devil demanded.
          Came the answer, "I've been married to your sister for forty years."
          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


          • #20
            Those clones
            So a guy was wondering why people were avoiding him, not inviting him to occasions, etc. He asked one person why and they replied that he was a foul mouthed a-hole. Thinking there was no way he was that bad, he went to a lab and had a clone of himself made.

            After several weeks of having his clone follow him around, he did realize he was a foul mouthed a-hole and was determined to change his ways. Problem was he was stuck with this obnoxious clone. He formulated a plan to get rid of it.

            One day he and his clone went up to the observation deck of a skyscraper. He said to his clone' "Let's drop pennies on the people below." The clone, being an a-hole, immediately agreed. The guy went up to the edge, leaned over and dropped a penny. Then the clone went up to do the same and as the clone leaned over, the guy grabbed him and tossed him over the side. Thinking he was rid of the clone, someone grabbed his arm, shoved him up against a wall and slapped cuffs around his wrists.

            "You're under arrest!"
            "What for?" he asks.
            "Making an obscene clone fall."
            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


            • #21
              Two-Dollar Bet
              The man selling two-dollar tickets at a racetrack, registered complete surprise when a horse stepped up to the window and asked to bet on himself.

              What's the matter? snorted the horse. Are you astonished that I can talk?

              Not at all, said the man. I'm surprised that you think you can win.
              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


              • #22
                A blonde wearing headphones walks into a hair salon. The hairdresser asks the blonde to remove her headphones so she can cut her hair. The blonde is adamant that she cannot remove the headphones and swears that if she removes them, she will certainly die. After arguing for several minutes to no avail, the hairdresser gives up and proceeds with the haircut. She soon realizes the blonde is off in never-never land and not paying attention. Thinking the blonde will not notice, the hairdresser gently removes the headphones. BOOM! The blonde falls to the ground, dead! Shocked, the hairdresser picks up the headphones and puts one to her own ear. What does she hear?

                "Breathe in...breathe out....breathe in...breathe out..."


                • #23
                  More Blonde jokes
                  John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.

                  "What's the matter?" asks John.

                  "Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard to figure out. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

                  "What's the picture of?" asks John.

                  "It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.

                  "All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look."

                  So he went over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw pieces on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake, put the Cornflakes back in the Box."
                  "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                  • #24
                    A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were in jail when they decided to breakout. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."

                    So they all climbed up a ladder and then the blonde shoved it down.

                    The next morning, the cops yelled, "Come out with your hands in the air!"

                    The redhead whispered, "Hide in those sacks, they'll never find us!"

                    So the brunette got in the first one, the redhead got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting the ladder setup and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the sergeant ordered them to kick the sacks.

                    So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."

                    "It's just a darn dog!" yelled the cop.

                    The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."

                    "It's just a darn cat," yelled the cop.

                    The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "SPUDS!"
                    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                    • #25
                      A blond driver was pulled over for speeding. A blonde female trooper approached the blonde drivers window and asked to see a photo ID. The blonde driver was so flustered, when she dug into her purse, first thing she saw was a little hand mirror which, of course, reflected her image. She nervously handed the mirror to the blonde trooper. The blonde trooper looked at it briefly, then handed it back to the blonde driver and said " you're free to go". The blonde driver was surprised and asked " why are you letting me go ?". The blonde trooper replied " I didn't know you were a fellow trooper".
                      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                      • #26
                        Two blondes on the beach......
                        Two blondes are on the beach one night in Miami.

                        It is a clear night with a full moon.

                        The first blonde says to her friend, "What do think is closer, the moon or LA?

                        The second replies, "duuuuh, we can see the Moon."
                        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                        • #27
                          Two blondes and the river
                          There are two blondes, one on the east side of a river the other on the west.

                          The blonde on the east side yells to the blonde on the west....."What's it like on the other side?"

                          The blonde on the west side replies....."You are on the other side".
                          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                          • #28
                            Jumper cables!
                            A pair of jumper cables go into a bar one day, and they sit at the bar.
                            The Bartender looks them up and down and says...

                            "I'll serve you, but you had better not start anything!"
                            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                            • #29
                              the Redneck and the Gator
                              A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

                              At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

                              The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

                              The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

                              Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

                              'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

                              The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

                              No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

                              The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something! That was amazing! How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

                              Again Leroy said no.

                              Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

                              Leroy said, 'I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
                              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                              • #30
                                Everyone's out to get me!!!
                                My therapist says I'm paranoid. Well, he didn't actually say that I but I know he was thinking it.


                                Yeah, well my therapist says I'm schizophrenic. Joke's on him, I don't have a therapist.
                                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


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