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  • #31
    A blonde boards a plane and takes a seat in First Class. A flight attendant approaches and tells the blonde she needs to move to the coach class section in the back of the plane since she didn't purchase a first class ticket. The blonde tells the flight attendant she is staying right where she is because she needs to be in the front of the plane, as she is flying to the Bahamas. After arguing for several minutes, the flight attendant asks another attendant to tell the blonde to move to the back of the plane. Same thing - the blonde says she's staying put because she needs to be in the front of the plane, as she's flying to the Bahamas. Frustrated, the flight attendants ask the pilot for help. The pilot walks over to the blonde, leans down and whispers something in her ear. The blonde promptly gets up and moves to the back of the plane. Intrigued, the flight attendants asked the pilot what he said that convinced the blonde to move. "Easy! I just told her the front of the plane wasn't flying to the Bahamas."

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    • #32
      And, for Haloween, and oldie but a goodie
      A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
      BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
      Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

      BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
      Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
      FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP....
      He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
      clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...
      on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

      Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

      With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
      Bumping and clapping toward him.
      The man screams and reaches for something, anything...

      All he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...

      ...and...of...course,

      ...the coffin stops!
      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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      • #33
        Out of the mouths of children
        During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

        The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.

        The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

        After going all the way around the room, the children left and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say: “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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        • #34
          God Speaks
          A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household and was trying to figure out just what to do about it.

          In the course of our conversation, I said to him, “You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives.”

          My friend looked at me and said, “Oh yeah? Well I’m pretty sure God doesn’t use that kind of language!”
          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

          Comment


          • #35
            My Interview
            I went for a job interview today and the interviewer asked me, "What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?"

            I said, "Well, my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not."

            Then they asked, "And your strengths?"

            I said, "I'm Batman."
            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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            • #36
              Blonde Librarian?!?
              One morning, a pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, "Buk Buk BUK."

              The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, she gives three books to them and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

              Around noon, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say, "Buk Buk BuKKOOK!"

              The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives the books to them. The chickens leave as before.

              The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, "Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!"

              The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request and decides to follow them.

              She followed them out of the library, out of the town and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.

              She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit …"
              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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              • #37
                Check
                A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

                He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

                “Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                Comment


                • #38
                  The Rabbit Died
                  A guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.

                  He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping that they will think the rabbit died of natural causes.

                  A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that our rabbit died?”

                  The guy stumbles around and says, “Um ... no ... uh ... what happened?”

                  The neighbor replies, “We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!”
                  "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Boasting Isn't Everything
                    Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”

                    Another horse breaks in, “Well, in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!”

                    “Oh, that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” says another, flicking his tail.

                    At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.

                    “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

                    The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”
                    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Do you know where God is?
                      In a small town, two brothers were the terror of their neighborhood. If windows were broke out, they did it. If a mysterious grass fire was started, they did it. If someone's flowers were stomped on, they did it. Everything bad that happened in that town could be traced back to those two hell raisers. Nothing their mother would do could control them.

                      In exasperation, their mother asked the preacher at her church if he knew of any way to calm these two boys down.

                      The preacher told her, "Send me these boys, but only one at a time."

                      So the mother takes the oldest boy to the church and the preacher tells her to send in the first boy and then wait outside until he calls her in.

                      The preacher has the boy stand in front of his desk and gives the boy a stern stare for a few moments. Then he asked the boy, "Do you know where God is?"

                      The boy just stood there without an answer with his eyes growing larger.

                      The preacher asked again in a louder voice, "I asked you, do you know where God is?"

                      The boy, with a look of terror on his face, runs from the room, past his mother and all the way home.

                      He grabbed his brother and said "Quick, we gotta to hide. God is missing and they think we did it!"
                      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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                      • #41
                        Pacman appears here daily... please try the veal and do not forget to tip the waitress.

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                        • #42
                          Bar Joke
                          A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the Bartender, "what's this all about?"
                          The Bartender replies, "well if you can jump up and slap the meat, you will drink for free the rest of the night.
                          If you miss you have to buy drinks for the house for one hour! You wanna try it?"
                          The man replied, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"
                          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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                          • #43
                            Christmas in July
                            A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

                            The clerk says, "What denomination?"

                            The blonde says, "Oh my gosh, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
                            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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                            • #44
                              Bud & Lou
                              Bud: "Have you heard of Murphy's Law?"

                              Lou: "Yeah."

                              Bud: "What is it?"

                              Lou: "If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."

                              Bud: "Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"

                              Lou: "No. What is it?"

                              Bud: "Thinly sliced cabbage and mayo."
                              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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                              • #45
                                Copy That
                                The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

                                “Need some help?” a secretary asked.

                                “Yes,” he replied. “How does this thing work?”

                                “Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

                                “Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”
                                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

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