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  • #46
    Text Message
    Hi Fred, this is Bob next door. I have a confession to make.

    I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying
    to get the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling
    you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

    The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not
    around, in fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home
    recently, but that's no excuse, I know.

    The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and
    I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen
    again.

    Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

    Regards, Bob.

    THE RESPONSE:

    Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead.

    He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

    He took out his phone where he saw he had a second message from his neighbor:

    THE SECOND MESSAGE:

    Hi Fred, This is Bob next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.

    I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed 'WiFi' to 'Wife.'

    Technology, huh?!!

    Regards,

    Bob
    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

    Comment


    • #47
      Lawyer Humor
      A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stone cutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

      “Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.

      “Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stone cutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer’.”

      “But that won’t let people know who it is!” protested the lawyer.

      “Sure it will,” retorted the stone cutter. “People will read it and exclaim, 'That’s impossible!'”


      Another one:

      A lawyer, doctor and priest were on an airplane over the ocean. The plane
      went down and the only survivors were those three. They started swimming
      towards an island when sharks appeared. SNAP!!! The doctor was eaten.
      SNAP!!! The priest was eaten. The lawyer made it to the island, and was
      later picked up and returned to port. The press asked him why the sharks
      ate the other two and not him. He replied, "Professional courtesy."
      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

      Comment


      • #48
        John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, “Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.” Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John. “Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.” “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!” Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!? John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”

        Comment


        • #49
          Fishing is Good
          Saturday, I went fishing in Montezuma Lake, but after a short time, I ran out of worms.

          Then I saw a Diamondback rattlesnake with a bull frog in its mouth.

          Bull frogs are good bass bait.

          Knowing the rattler wouldn't bite me with a bull frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind its head, took the bull frog and put it in my bait bucket.

          Now my dilemma was how to release the rattler without getting bit. So I grabbed my bottle of Seagram's 7 whiskey and poured a shot in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back and it went limp.

          I released the rattler without incident and carried on fishing, using the bull frog.

          Not long after, I felt a nudge on my boot. It was that darn Diamondback ... with two more bull frogs.

          Fishing is good.
          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

          Comment


          • #50
            Billions and billions ...
            Did you hear the one about a Nigerian man who died and authorities found 27 billion dollars in his apartment?

            He had been trying to give it away for 15 years, but no one would answer his emails!
            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

            Comment


            • #51
              “Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.” “Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.” “Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?” “Never mind” said Harry looking down. “C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.” “Mary, please don’t make me.” “Harry I insist.” “Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”

              Comment


              • #52
                Rules for Housekeeping
                It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

                Never make fried chicken in the nude.

                To hang up more clothes, buy bigger door knobs or another exercise machine.

                Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

                Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.

                When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.
                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                Comment


                • #53
                  The Novice Priest
                  A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions and to give him some tips.

                  After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word. "I’ve got a few suggestions," he says. “Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.”

                  The new priest tries this.

                  “Very good,” says his senior. “Now, try saying things like, ‘I see’, ‘I understand’ and ‘Yes, go on.'”

                  The younger priest practices these sayings, too.

                  “Well done,” says the older priest. “Don’t you think that’s much better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'”
                  "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    Dizzy
                    Donald said, “You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning.”

                    “Well, try getting up half an hour later,” said the doctor.

                    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

                    My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.

                    Not quite sure how I did that … I didn’t even know it was her birthday!
                    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Hit and run
                      A millennial was opening the door of his Mini Cooper S, when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it completely off.

                      When the police arrived at the scene, the millennial complained bitterly about the damage to his car.

                      "Officer, look what they’ve done to my Mini!"

                      "You millennials are so darn materialistic, its ridiculous," retorted the officer. "You’re so worried about your stupid Mini Cooper, you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off."

                      "Oh, my God!" screamed the millennial, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Movado!"
                      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        Another Blonde joke
                        A blonde was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hail storm. The hail stones were as big as golf balls. Her car was dented badly. The next day she took it to a repair shop.

                        The repair guy, noticing that she was blond, decided to have some fun. He told her to blow into the tail pipe really hard when she got home, and the dents would pop out.

                        When she got home she started blowing into the tail pipe, and her blonde girl friend saw her. Her friend was startled and said "What are you doing?"

                        She told her the repair guy had told her to blow into the tail pipe really hard and the dents would pop out.

                        Her girl friend said, "Well duhhhh..you need to roll up the windows first."
                        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                        Comment


                        • #57
                          Another Blonde joke
                          What goes voroom screech, voroom screech endlessly until they giveup?
                          ABlond at a Blinking Red Light!
                          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                          Comment


                          • #58
                            Walking on the beach one summer ...
                            A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

                            She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing ... she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

                            Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally, someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure, they just continued to watch her.

                            After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

                            He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

                            Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

                            The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

                            “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

                            “No, she’s not,” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

                            “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

                            The man grinned and said. “She’s a battery salesperson.”

                            “Batteries?” cried the wife.

                            “Yes,” he replied. “She Sells C Cells by the Seashore.”
                            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                            Comment


                            • #59
                              Google Pizza
                              CALLER: Is this Krusty's Pizza?

                              GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

                              CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

                              GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Krusty's Pizza last month.

                              CALLER: Okay, I would like to order a pizza.

                              GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

                              CALLER: My usual? You know me?

                              GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

                              CALLER: Okay, that’s what I want.

                              GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

                              CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.

                              GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

                              CALLER: How the heck do you know?

                              GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last seven years.

                              CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

                              GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, four months ago.

                              CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

                              GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

                              CALLER: I paid in cash.

                              GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

                              CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

                              GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

                              CALLER: WHAT THE HECK?

                              GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

                              CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, Apps and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

                              GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired six weeks ago …
                              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                              Comment


                              • #60
                                Three guys walk into a bar...
                                Three guys walk into a bar, the fourth one ducks...
                                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                                Comment

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