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  • #61
    Who's the Boss?
    A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don’t have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you are the boss!"

    Of course, the husband takes the doctor’s advice.

    He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife’s face and growls, "From now on, you’re taking orders from me! I want my supper right now and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I’m going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong!"

    "And another thing … guess who’s going to comb my hair, give me a shave and tie my necktie?"

    His redheaded wife says calmly, "The undertaker."
    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


    • #62
      The Audit
      The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records and then sat for what seemed like hours as the IRS auditor pored over them.

      Finally the auditor looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Doyle.”

      “Why would you say that?” wondered the broker.

      “Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”
      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


      • #63
        Beer and airplanes
        Woman: Do you drink beer?
        Man: Yes
        Woman: How many beers a day?
        Man: Usually about three.
        Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
        Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.
        Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
        Man: About 20 years, I suppose
        Woman: So, a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending
        each month at $450, and in one year it would be around $5,400 correct?
        Man: Correct.
        Woman: If in one year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past twenty
        years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
        Man: Correct.
        Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have
        been put in a step-up interest savings account and after figuring in compound interest
        for the past twenty years, you could have bought an airplane.
        Man: Do you drink beer?
        Woman: No.
        Man: Where’s your airplane?
        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


        • #64
          A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee!

          She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life.

          And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

          Puzzled, she asked, “Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?”

          Her grandson answered, “Grandma, you know how it says on TV, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'”
          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


          • #65
            Play Ball
            At one point during a Little League baseball game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

            The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

            “Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?”

            The little boy nodded YES.

            “So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue, curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”

            Again the little boy nodded.

            “Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”
            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


            • #66
              Horse Trading
              A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.

              “Afraid not,” said the farmer.

              “I’ll give you a thousand dollars!” said the city fella.

              “I can’t sell you that horse. He don’t look too good,” replied the farmer.

              “I know horses and he looks fine. I’ll give you two thousand!”

              “Well, all right, if you want him so bad.”

              The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been conned. “You sold me a blind horse!”

              “Well,” said the farmer, “I told you he didn’t look too good.”
              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


              • #67
                The 25th Wedding Anniversary
                On their 25th wedding anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner.

                Their teenage daughters said they’d have dessert waiting for them when they returned.

                After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!"

                "I suppose," the wife responded, "we could vacuum."
                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                • #68
                  Walking Home One Night ...
                  One night, John was walking home when, all of a sudden, a robber jumped him.

                  John and the thug began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and John put up a tremendous fight.

                  However, the thug managed to get the better of John and pinned him to the ground.

                  The robber then went through John’s pockets and searched him. All the thug could find on John was 75 cents.

                  The thug was so surprised at this that he asked John why he had bothered to fight so hard for 75 cents.

                  “Was that all you wanted?” John replied, “I thought you were after the hundred dollar bill I had hidden in my shoe!”
                  "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                  • #69
                    A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

                    “I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”

                    The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

                    “I see,” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

                    “I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.”

                    “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”

                    “Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out!”
                    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                    • #70
                      The 35th Wedding Anniversary
                      A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

                      Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

                      “Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife.

                      The fairy moved her magic wand and ... "Abracadabra!" ... two tickets for the QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

                      Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said, “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

                      The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and ... "Abracadabra!" ... the husband became 92 years old.

                      The moral of this story: Fairies are female.
                      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                      • #71
                        Senior Blind Date
                        An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.

                        When she returned to her granddaughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.

                        “What happened, Grandma?” the granddaughter asked.

                        “I had to slap his face three times!”

                        “You mean he got fresh?”

                        “No,” she answered. “I thought he was dead!”
                        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                        • #72
                          Going Postal
                          Jeff got a part-time job at the Post Office.

                          The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail.

                          Jeff separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur.

                          Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Jeff at the end of his first day.

                          “I just want you to know,” the supervisor said, “that I’m very pleased with the job you did today. You’re one of the fastest workers we’ve ever had.”

                          “Thank you, sir” said Jeff, beaming, “and tomorrow I’ll try to do even better.”

                          “Better?” the supervisor asked with astonishment. “How can you possibly do any better than you did today?”

                          Jeff replied, “Tomorrow I’m going to read the addresses.”
                          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                          • #73
                            Fire Truck Dogs
                            A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.

                            Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.

                            “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

                            “No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

                            A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
                            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                            • #74
                              The Atheist and the Grizzly Bear
                              An Atheist is out walking in the forest.
                              The wind is blowing. The birds are singing. The brook is babbling.

                              As he walks a grizzly bear leaps out of the woods and towers over him.
                              The grizzly is poised to kill with both massive paws overhead.

                              The Atheist says "God, help me."

                              Suddenly, the wind stops, the brook is still, the birds quit singing. Even the bear freezes.
                              A voice booms out from the Heavens, "Yes. You called."

                              The Atheist is dumbfounded. "All my life I doubted Your existence. I would not feel right asking You to save me now."

                              God said "Well, it looks like you are in quite a predicament. What can I do to help you?"

                              The Atheist thought for a minute. "How about instead of saving me You make the bear a Christian."

                              God said "So be it."

                              The winds blows again, the birds begin to sing, the brook babbles again.

                              The bear, with his huge paws still overhead, towers over the Athiest. He brings his massive paws to his chest and says, "Bless us Oh Lord for the gifts we are about to receive."
                              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                              • #75
                                An Amish miracle
                                An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall.

                                They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

                                The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?” The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, “I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”

                                While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the man rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the girl and her mother watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

                                They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and they watched some more as the numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.

                                The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, “Go get your father.”
                                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


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