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Joking Around

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  • #76
    How the fight started.
    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.....
    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


    • #77
      Stairway to Heaven
      A man died and went to The Pearly Gates.

      An angel said to the man, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you – we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

      The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

      “Wow that’s impressive," said the angel. "When did this happen?”

      “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


      • #78
        That'll teach her!
        Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar.

        Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him. “So what would you like?” Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him. “Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.” “OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!”

        Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging “Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?” “See?” said Harry “and you think I come here just to have a good time?!“
        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


        • #79
          The New Secret Service Agent
          President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo when an assassin suddenly appears and aims a gun.

          A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”

          This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

          Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

          Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, 'Donald duck'!"
          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


          • #80
            General Lee's Statue
            A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life.

            He went to a park in Richmond Virginia to try it out on a statue of General Robert E. Lee.

            After application, General Lee began to move and soon was completely alive.

            He dismounted from his horse and climbed down the tall pedestal.

            The scientist asked, “What’s the first thing you’ll do, General?”

            The general answered while drawing his pistol, “I’m going to kill about a million damn pigeons!”
            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


            • #81
              The Snowy Burial
              There was and old married couple many years ago that lived out in the country on a farm. One snowy February day the old fellow found his wife had passed away in the night. In those days, people took care of their own arrangements and burials, so he sent the message out to all his old buddies.

              The family plot was way up this steep hill, and they would have to carry the coffin to the top. Well, these fellows were old timers and could barely carry it. They got half way up and dropped the coffin, and the wife spilled out into a snow bank. It turned out she wasn't really dead, and the cold shock woke her up.

              The old couple lived happily for another five years until one day, the man found his wife had passed in her sleep. Once again he called his old buddies, and once again they were going to have to carry her up the same snow covered hill.

              Right as they started to lift the coffin, the old fellow said, "For God's sake, be careful this time!"
              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


              • #82
                Life after Death
                “Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

                “Yes, Sir.” the new recruit replied.

                “Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you."
                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                • #83
                  Swept Out to Sea
                  A grandmother who took her little grandson to the beach.

                  They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept the boy out to sea.

                  She fell down on her knees and pleaded to the heavens, “Please return my grandson, that’s all I ask! PLEASE!!!”

                  A moment later, lo and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the wet, yet unhurt child, at her feet.

                  She checked him over to make sure that he was okay.

                  He was fine.

                  But still she looked up to the heavens angrily and yelled, “When he was swept away, he had a hat!”
                  "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                  • #84
                    A Texan In Ireland.
                    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
                    The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
                    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
                    The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
                    The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
                    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                    • #85
                      The L Train
                      A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip. he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said, “You rest here while I register. I’ll be back within an hour.”

                      The wife lies down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed.

                      Thinking this has to be be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again an L train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.

                      Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager is skeptical. but the wife insists the story is true.

                      “Look, lie here on the bed and you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”

                      So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here?”

                      The manager replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”
                      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                      • #86
                        Was She Blonde.....
                        A woman came home from work to find that her house had been burglarized. She called the police, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the distraught woman ran out on the porch, then let out a groan and sat down on the steps. Putting her head in her hands, she moaned, "It's bad enough that I come home to find all my possessions stolen. Then I call the police for help, and what do they do. They send me a blind policeman!"
                        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                        • #87
                          Recent conversation with a widow
                          Detective: In your own words, tell me what happened.

                          Widow: Well, my first husband died from eating poisonous mushrooms.

                          Detective: I'm so sorry.

                          Widow: My next husband died from blunt force trauma.

                          Detective: Oh, my!

                          Widow: He would not eat his mushrooms.
                          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                          • #88
                            Happy 4th of July
                            You Might be a Redneck if:

                            You hear the popping, crackling, ooohhs and ahhhs thinking it is fireworks, but it is Grandma in the bathroom.

                            You launch bottle rockets from the plastic Santa in the front yard.

                            The 4th of July story about how Cousin Stumpy got his nickname is retold at every family gathering.

                            The local fire department keeps a pumper in your yard to cut down on response time.

                            You put the leftover fireworks in your tackle box.

                            You catch your Mom using sparklers as a form of laser treatment for her mustache.

                            You think Declaration of Independence means you will no longer take a bath with your brother and sister at the same time.

                            You started planning the Firework show July 5 of last year.

                            Your fireworks show starts with "Hey Y'all, watch this!"

                            Any of your fireworks are “homemade.”

                            You consider the “Hazard Warnings” on your fireworks a personal challenge.

                            You drop a pack of Black Cats in your sister’s sack to help her win the sack hopping races.

                            You gotta hire "Got Junk" to haul off all your bottle rocket remnants.

                            You have to cut a tree down to get your boat ready to use.

                            You think Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, Jim Beam and Basil Hayden are the faces of Mount Rushmore.

                            You use an arc welder light the fireworks.

                            You use an inflatable pool as a punch bowl.
                            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                            • #89
                              Two rednecks
                              Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

                              The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

                              The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

                              The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

                              So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

                              They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

                              As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

                              While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up..

                              "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

                              The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

                              The old farmer said, "That's impossible.

                              I had him chained to a transmission!"
                              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                              • #90
                                Google Weather
                                Me: "Hey, Google, What's the weather?"
                                Google: "I'm sorry, I don't have those devices listed."
                                Me: "What'"
                                Google: "Today's weather??..."
                                Me: "Yes, of course today's weather."
                                Google: "But you're in Montana."
                                Me: "What's that got to do with it?"
                                Google: "It changes every 10 minutes."
                                Me: "Okay, right now then."
                                Google: "32* and Clear"
                                Me: "Can you give me, the extended forecast?"
                                Google: "You live in Montana, ask me later."
                                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


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