Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Joking Around

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #91
    New Age-related Computer Virus
    Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

    The medical research so far seems mostly implicate those born prior to 1950.

    Symptoms:

    1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
    Done that!

    2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!
    That too!

    3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
    Yep!

    4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
    Aha!

    5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
    Well, well!

    6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
    Oh no, not again!

    7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
    And I just hate that!

    8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
    Oh, oh!

    IT'S CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

    Comment


    • #92
      What Happened in Texas
      A cowboy rode into Fort Benton, Montana and stopped at the Grand Union for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back inside, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?" he yelled.

      No one answered.

      "All right then. I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I done in Texas!"

      Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

      The cowboy had another beer, walked outside and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered outside and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"

      The cowboy turned back and sheepishly said, "I had to walk home."
      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

      Comment


      • #93
        A Daddy shark and baby shark were swimming in the ocean when they came across some people whose boat sank. The daddy shark says to the baby shark " Now pay attention, this is how you eat people" so they swam around the people in circles for a few minutes. The hungry baby shark was growing impatient and said "why do we have to swim around in circles before we eat them?" The daddy shark replied " Because son, they taste better when you scare the crap out of them first."
        You Laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You take my coffee...may God have mercy on your soul....

        Comment


        • #94
          Originally posted by wc1974 View Post
          A Daddy shark and baby shark were swimming in the ocean when they came across some people whose boat sank. The daddy shark says to the baby shark " Now pay attention, this is how you eat people" so they swam around the people in circles for a few minutes. The hungry baby shark was growing impatient and said "why do we have to swim around in circles before we eat them?" The daddy shark replied " Because son, they taste better when you scare the crap out of them first."
          That is funny.
          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

          Comment


          • #95
            Elephant Tail on Rye
            A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: “$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!”

            When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye.

            She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

            The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.

            He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, “You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”
            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

            Comment


            • #96
              The Golf Game
              Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.

              Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

              Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

              Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

              Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

              Tiger says, "You play golf?"

              Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

              Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

              Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

              "But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

              "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

              Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

              Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

              Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

              Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

              Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

              Stevie says, "Pick a night."
              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

              Comment


              • #97
                The Secret to a Happy Marriage
                A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary.

                When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage, the husband said, “We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home."

                The wife added, "He goes on Tuesdays and I go on Fridays.”
                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                Comment


                • #98
                  Two brothers aged 8 and 10 make a pact. They decide they are growing up, and in order to be manly men, they must talk like their father. They then agree to try swearing for the first time . The older brother says to the younger brother " Hey, which cuss word are you gonna use?" The little brother thinks about it for a second and says "Ass" The older brother nods his head and says " Ok, I'll say Damn". They head downstairs to breakfast. When mom asks them what they want to eat the older boy says loudly " I'll have some damn pancakes!" Startled, the mom smacks him upside the head and he falls out of his chair. She turns to the younger brother and says " Well? What are you going to have?" The younger boy says " Well you can bet your ass I'm not asking for pancakes!"
                  You Laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You take my coffee...may God have mercy on your soul....

                  Comment


                  • #99
                    Divorce
                    Me: I want to divorce my wife.

                    Lawyer: On what grounds?

                    Me: She's out all night, going from bar to bar.

                    Lawyer: Are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating on you?

                    Me: No, she's looking for me.
                    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                    Comment


                    • Farmer hauling a load
                      A farmer was driving along the road with a load of manure.

                      A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, “Mister, what have you got in your truck?”

                      “Manure,” the farmer replied.

                      “What are you going to do with it?” asked the boy.

                      “Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.

                      The boy replied, “You ought to live here. We put cream and sugar on ours.”
                      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                      Comment


                      • A tourist visiting Spain is impressed with the size of the Criadillas (otherwise known as Calf Fries or Rocky Mountain Oysters) served at the local restaurant. The waiter tells him the criadillas are fresh from the bull fights each night. For three nights, the tourist dines at the same restaurant and is amazed at how large they are.

                        On the fourth night, the tourist decides to order the criadillas for himself. When his meal arrives, he is disappointed and very upset with the size. Demanding an explanation, he complains to the waiter about how small his criadillas are. “ "Ah, so sorry, senor,"” replies the waiter, “"sometimes the bull wins.”"
                        Last edited by DMac020; 12th October 2018, 12:38 PM.

                        Comment


                        • Dear Math, I am NOT your therapist so solve your own problems! Sincerely, Student
                          "I don't understand your specific kind of crazy but I do admire your total commitment to it!"

                          Comment


                          • Little Johnny Is Failing Arithmetic
                            Little Johnny returned from school and tells his father that he got an 'F' in arithmetic.
                            Father: Why?
                            Johnny: The teacher asked, "How much is 2 times 3?" I said, "Six."
                            Father: But that is correct.
                            Johnny: Then she asked me, "How much is 3 times 2?"
                            Father: What's ... the ... freaking ... difference?
                            Johnny: Dad, That's exactly what I said.
                            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                            Comment


                            • Speed Dieting
                              I'm the fastest person I know.

                              Today, I finished my two-week diet in 2 hours and 59 minutes!
                              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                              Comment


                              • Mother-In-Law
                                Years ago, my mother-in-law began reading "The Exorcist". She said that it was the most evil book she had ever read. So evil, in fact, that she couldn't finish it!
                                She took it to the waterfront and threw it into the ocean from a fishing pier.

                                The following day, I went and bought another copy, soaked it under the faucet, and left it in the night stand by her bed.

                                My father-in-law said that night was the first time she ever screamed & fainted.
                                I'm going to hell, but I'll be laughing all the way!
                                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                                Comment

                                Latest Topics

                                Collapse

                                • PeekingDuck
                                  Reply to Gutter Guards For Standing Seam Roof
                                  PeekingDuck
                                  It is aluminum window screen, so yes, it is very flexible. But, the globs of caulk hold it in place very well.
                                  You need something that has a good slope from the roof to the top of the gutter to allow the wind to push the leaves up and out.
                                  I tried a few of the foam wedges made for house...
                                  Today, 07:32 PM
                                • Grizz
                                  Reply to Pro Rating Lease suggestions
                                  Grizz
                                  Are all these options available in site-link?
                                  Today, 07:00 PM
                                • Grizz
                                  Reply to Naming a new facility
                                  Grizz
                                  City storage.com is perfect. You want the search engines to find you fast and first. And people will search in the cities they are living in or moving to with terms such as "Abq Storage mini storage", outdoor storage, heated storage, etc....

                                  Fancy and fun names dont make the phone...
                                  Today, 06:48 PM
                                Working...
                                X