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Joking Around

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  • Three Dogs In Heaven
    A German Shepherd, a Labrador Retriever and a Bichon Frise all died and stood in front of God at the entrance to the Kingdom of Heaven. God asked all three of them what they believed in.

    The Shepherd said, "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my owner."

    "Good," said God, "take a seat on my left side."

    "Retriever, what do you believe in?" asked God.

    The Retriever answered, "I believe in fun and play, and loving care from my owner."

    "Ah," God said, "you can come sit at my right side."

    Then he looked at the Bichon, "And how about you?"

    The Bichon replied, "I believe you're in my spot!"
    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


    • A Texan, A canadian and a ..........
      Floridian were all sitting at a bar. The Texan orders a beer, drinks it, then slams the glass on the floor and states that in Texas they have so much money that they don't drink out of the same glass twice. The Canadian also orders a beer, drinks it, then slams the glass on the floor and states that in Canada they have so much money that they don't drink out of the same glass twice. The Floridian orders his beer, enjoys it, orders another, then turns and shoots the Canadian. The Texan yells WHOA PARTNER!! What was that for? The Floridian replys " In Florida we have so many Canadians, we don't have to drink with the same one twice."
      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


      • This one is damn funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        A Different Pet
        A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner, "I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet – no cats or dogs. I want something different please."

        The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede.

        "Really?" says the man. "How much?"

        The owner informs him that the talking centipede costs $70 including case. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

        Upon getting home, he lays the matchbox containing the centipede on the table, opens it and says, "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"

        The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, the man decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

        An hour later, he opens the matchbox and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"

        The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious, the man decides he will give it one more hour and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

        An hour later the man opens the matchbox and repeats, "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"

        The centipede then says, "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"
        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


        • Forest Fire Rescue
          Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter carrying them from a raging forest fire to safety. There were ten women and one man.

          They realized the rope was not strong enough to carry all of them for very long. So, they decided one of them must leave or they would all fall to their horrific, flaming deaths.

          The women started arguing and were unable to agree on who should be the one to get off. That is, until the man gave a very touching speech.

          He said he would voluntarily let go of the rope. He explained that for all of their lives the women had given up everything for their husbands, the children and mankind in general.

          Women are always making sacrifices and received little or nothing in return. Therefore, it would only be appropriate for him to step up and reward their efforts by volunteering to let go of the rope, as he explained, "for womankind."

          The women, overwhelmed by the man's sympathetic words, selflessness and gracious offer, began to applaud.
          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


          • Sons
            Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.
            After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window
            seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral,
            United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
            After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped
            smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons,
            both judges."
            After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce
            himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Sergeant, United
            States Air Force, retired. Never married, two sons . . . both Admirals.
            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


            • John is having a bad day.

              He tried to button his shirt and the button fell off.

              He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off.

              He went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.

              Now he's afraid to pee.

              Don't put off until tomorrow, what you can do today.


              • Appropriate for the Mega Millions and Powerball drawings coming up:

                Lottery Winner
                A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

                She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

                The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

                'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                • I told a lady that she had her eyebrows painted on too high.

                  She looked surprised.


                  • The Businessman, the Beach, the Bible ...
                    A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business and he owed everybody. It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.

                    As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do. Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

                    A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

                    The priest recognized the benefactor and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

                    "Absolutely," replied the businessman.

                    "You went to the beach?"


                    "You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"


                    "You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"


                    "And what were the first words you saw?"

                    "Chapter 11."
                    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                    • Australian Humor
                      An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

                      On their way to Kakadu he was describing the amazing abilities of the Australian Aborigines to track man or beast over land, through the air and under the sea.

                      The Americans were incredulous.

                      Later in the day, as the group rounded a bend on the highway, they discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line, whilst his left leg was held high in the air!

                      The bus stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

                      "Hey Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

                      The aborigine replied, "Down the road, about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's a red one. The left front tire is bald. The front end is out of whack and him got bloody dents in every panel. There are nine abos in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are three kangaroos on the roof rack and four dogs on the front seat."

                      The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

                      "Good Lord man, how do you know all that?" asked one.

                      The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the bloody ding about half an hour ago!"
                      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                      • First day at the senior complex
                        On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all
                        the seniors pointing out some of her rules:

                        "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.

                        Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

                        She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

                        Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.

                        Are there any questions?"

                        At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:

                        "How much for a season pass?”
                        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                        • All Aboard
                          Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference.

                          At the station, the three accountants each bought a ticket and watched as the three engineers bought only a single ticket.

                          “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an accountant.

                          “Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.

                          They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but all three engineers crammed into a restroom and closed the door behind them.

                          Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please.”

                          The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

                          The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

                          When they got to the station, the accountants bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all.

                          “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” said one perplexed accountant.

                          “Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.

                          When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another nearby. The train departed.

                          Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”
                          "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                          • Senior trying to set password
                            WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

                            USER: cabbage

                            WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than eight characters.

                            USER: boiled cabbage

                            WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

                            USER: boiledcabbage

                            WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain two numerical characters.

                            USER: 50darnboiledcabbages

                            WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character

                            USER: 50DARNboiledcabbages

                            WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

                            USER: 50DarnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourButtIfYouDon'tGive MeAccessNow!

                            WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

                            USER: ReallyTickedOff50DarnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourBut tIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

                            WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
                            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                            • Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.


                              • Originally posted by Madman View Post
                                Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
                                If I have told you once I have told you 100 billion times, stop exaggerating!
                                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"


                                Latest Topics


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                                • DairyGirl
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