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  • The Operation
    A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.

    The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

    A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.

    When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says, "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

    The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

    Comment


    • Grandma Testifies Under Oath
      Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

      He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

      She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

      The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

      She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

      The defense attorney almost died.

      The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair!"
      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

      Comment


      • Sleeping in could easily be my superpower.
        If not for my arch nemesis, having to pee.
        "I don't understand your specific kind of crazy but I do admire your total commitment to it!"

        Comment


        • I hate brushing my teeth at night. That signifies that you can't have anymore food and I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment...
          "I don't understand your specific kind of crazy but I do admire your total commitment to it!"

          Comment


          • Its ok if you don't like my personality, I've got several others
            "I don't understand your specific kind of crazy but I do admire your total commitment to it!"

            Comment


            • ok, one more...

              I am passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished. I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptin, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
              "I don't understand your specific kind of crazy but I do admire your total commitment to it!"

              Comment


              • Originally posted by blazer View Post
                ok, one more...

                I am passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished. I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptin, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
                That is some funny stuff right there.
                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                Comment


                • 20 ways To Maintain Healthy Levels of Insanity

                  1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars, see if they slow down.
                  2. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because your not in the mood.
                  3.Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
                  4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
                  5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.
                  6. In the memo field of all your checks, write; "For smuggling diamonds".
                  7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance with the Prophecy".
                  8. Dont use any punctuation
                  9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
                  10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
                  11. Specify that your Drive-through order is "To-Go Please".
                  12. Sing along at the Opera.
                  13. Go to a poetry recital. And ask why the poems don't rhyme?
                  14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
                  15. Page yourself over Intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
                  16. Have your Co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
                  17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I WON! i WON!"
                  18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives! They're Loose!!!"
                  19. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
                  20. Suck in some helium from a balloon, walk behind someone and sing "Follow the yellow brick road".

                  Courtesy of my sister, who has done every one of these!
                  Last edited by blazer; 27th October 2018, 01:12 PM.
                  "I don't understand your specific kind of crazy but I do admire your total commitment to it!"

                  Comment


                  • Q: What do you call a man that tells "dad" jokes that is NOT a father?

                    A: a Faux Pa!"
                    "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                    Comment


                    • Just Fred
                      A senior Deputy was in his car, sitting along the State highway leading out of the County Seat, checking the speed of traffic. He heard a All Points Bulletin over his two-way radio. The message made it known that there had been a Bank robbery, money taken, and the perpetrator had gotten away. The description was of a red motorcycle, red helmeted rider, wearing a dark leather jacket and blue jeans.
                      Just then a red motorcycle zipped by at highway speed, the rider matching the description. The deputy checks for other traffic, turns on his overhead lights, and gives chase. The Deputy makes the call that he has spotted a suspect and is in the process of stopping the motorcycle. The Rider meanwhile spots the Deputy bearing down with lights flashing. He finds a wide spot off the roadway and dutifully pulls over and stops.
                      As the deputy stops behind the motorcycle and calls in the plate number, the APB (All Points Bulletin) is cancelled the actual perpetrator has been caught and money recovered. Well Sherriff's Department policy is that once a stop is made, the Deputy will state the reason for the stop to the driver/rider and identify that person. The Deputy gets out to do just that.
                      "Sir, I stopped you as you and your motorcycle matched the description of a bank robber". "That robber has been caught but I never got the word until after I had stopped you"
                      The rider smiled and said he believed he was traveling at or below the posted speed limit and had been surprised at the stop, but now he understood.
                      The Deputy says "Sir it is Department policy to identify all the people we stop." "What is your name"
                      Rider "It's Fred"
                      Deputy "Fred what?"
                      Fred "Just Fred!"
                      The Deputy raises an eyebrow and looks askance at Fred and says "Just Fred?"
                      Fred "Yes that is right , Just Fred." "I can explain if you have the time."
                      Deputy curious now, "Oh I have plenty of time, go ahead, tell me.'
                      Fred "Well I was born Fred Dingaling, in school you can imagine I was the butt of all manner of jokes and harassment. I buckled down and studied hard, determined to be better than all the other kids." "I excelled in school and went on to become a Doctor, then I was 'Fred Dingaling, MD'." I got married and started a family, but was unsatisfied with medicine so I went to Dental School and became 'Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS'." Soon after I started an affair with my Dental Hygienist. I then got a STD, now I was 'Fred Dingaling, MD,DDS with a STD'." I gave my wife the STD too and she was very emotional about it. We divorced and she took every thing I had but a few dollars a"d this motorcycle. "Then she call the ADA and had my Dental license revoked. "Now I was 'Just Fred Dingaling, MD with a STD'." "Then the ADA contacted the AMA and my Medical license was revoked. Now I was 'Just Fred Dingaling with a STD'." Then the STD took my Dingaling and now I'm 'Just Fred!'.'
                      At that point the deputy gasped and said goodbye to 'JUST FRED"
                      "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                      Comment


                      • The Loitering Call
                        A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

                        The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

                        The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

                        A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner ... NOW!"

                        Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

                        Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

                        Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."
                        "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                        Comment


                        • For the next time ya'll are in Phoenix...

                          How To Drive in Phoenix

                          1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: FEE-NICKS. There are other names to learn such as Awatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Key) but that will be included in the advanced course.

                          2. The morning rush hour is from 5am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

                          3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is unacceptable.

                          4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV driving, cell phone talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

                          5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

                          6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. Its another shooting offense.

                          7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

                          8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, the coyotes feeding on any of these items, and drivers swerving to avoid the above.

                          9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the I-10 are the same road. SR 202 is the same road as the Red Mountain Freeway. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. SR 101 is also the Pima FWY except west of I-17, which is also the Black Canyon FWY, and the Veterans Memorial HWY. Lastly, Thunderbird RD. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd. doesn't become Thunderbird because it dead ends at a mountain.

                          10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been accidentally activated.

                          11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be" flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you will be shot.

                          12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands and refrain from touching anything metal inside or outside the vehicle. Failure to do so can result in 3rd degree burns and a trip to the nearest medical facility.

                          Welcome to Phoenix!!!
                          "I don't understand your specific kind of crazy but I do admire your total commitment to it!"

                          Comment


                          • Not now ???
                            Ol’ Ed is dying.

                            Everybody knows it, even Ed.

                            He is finishing out his time in his own bed, in the beloved family home he has shared with his wife of fifty-five years, the girl he fell in love with while they were both in grade school. He has already said his long and strained goodbye with her and their three children.

                            The doctors have all agreed that he probably won’t last until morning, but his spirit right now is still with his body and he is aware. Knowing all this, thorough the last weeks, he said his goodbyes to all his neighbors, his friends from the Sportsmen’s Club, the guys at the Legion, and even his last three remaining classmates from his high school class of 1952.

                            Lying now in his bed knowing he will be with the eternities by tomorrow morning, his senses attuned to approaching immortality, he is suddenly drawn back to earth by the warm, enticing aroma of his favorite — ABSOLUTE FAVORITE - chocolate-chip cookies being baked in the kitchen.

                            Mustering his fading strength, he agonizingly rolls to the edge of the bed, slips back the blanket and lowering himself, drops to the floor! Stunned, but still enticed by the now thickening scent of the fresh-baked delight of delights, he marshals the will-power to slowly and determinedly crawl to the kitchen.

                            Drawn on by the prospect of the divine chocolate chip cookies which his wife has baked for him for the last fifty years, he laboriously makes it to the kitchen and, pausing to gasp a breath, mesmerized by the prospect of tasting, just the last time, these morsels of divinity, he stretches his hand up and over the edge of the table, reaching, grasping for just one of these heavenly tidbits, when - - -

                            WHAM! His wife smacks his hand with her spatula, exclaiming, “NO! Those are for AFTER the funeral!”
                            "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                            Comment


                            • Just something for you to ponder . . . . hmmmm?
                              Did you ever wonder why so many men die before their wives?????
                              well
                              keep
                              on
                              scrolling
                              and
                              I'll
                              tell
                              you ..............
                              It is BECAUSE THEY WANT TO !


                              Who knew that "till death do us part" would become a GOAL!

                              I did!
                              Last edited by pacnwstorage; 4th November 2018, 01:40 AM.
                              "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                              Comment


                              • The Drunk Cowboy
                                A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'

                                The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'

                                Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two
                                of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

                                Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy what's your name?'

                                'Fred,' the cowboy moaned.

                                'Where ya from, Fred?' asked the Ranger.

                                With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

                                .....the balcony...
                                __________________
                                "Never let the inmates run the asylum!"

                                Comment

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